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I woke up yesterday morning feeling as though I had spent the night dancing with a Mack truck with 2 left feet. I sat my puffy faced self down with a cup of coffee and a smoke to check my mail and trance away an hour or so playing Bejeweled or some other random monotonous game that would occupy more then one lobe of my brain at a time. Next I know, I am textually vomiting the inner reaches of my life that I have shared with no one. It wasn't premeditated. I didn't ponder the idea for weeks. I didn't plot some fancy layout to fit my fake persona. I just closed my eyes and let it rip. This morning as I sit here with my coffee and my smoke, I didn't go check my e-mail and I didn't even go read what my friends are doing in their lives on Facebook. Here I sit, ready to vomit some more. I slept last night. I went to bed at 10:30 on Friday night. And when I woke up at 6:30 this morning, I had not moved an inch. I didn't dream. I didn't lay awake starin...

I hear the crying first. Just like when she was tiny, I recognize the sound over everything. I can't make out what she is saying, but I feel the immediate rise of my blood pressure. It is happening again. Something has thrown off the balance and it is happening again. I turn down the radio and wait. More crying. She is upset with her boyfriend. How long do I wait? A few minutes or until I can't pretend to ignore it anymore. I knock on the door. The sad crying turns immediately to hateful venom. Leave me alone, she screams. I ask if she is alright, and she yells again. I walk away. I pace the floor with the bile churning in my gut. My ears are throbbing with every beat of my heart. Things behind the closed door continue to escalate. I wait and listen, knowing this time there will be no defusing her. She is beyond that point. She is upset that her boyfriend was leaving. She begs him to stay one second and then yells at him for being unmotivated the next. I feel sorry for him. He...

I am tired of all the shit I hold inside these days. I have to be strong on the outside. I have to suppress so many emotions just to keep the peace. Anger, hurt, pain and loneliness just to name a few. Giving into them would prove disastrous. Who knows if I would emerge on the other side with any resemblance of me left. I fear not being strong enough. I fear one day it is all going to explode and there wont be anything left of my sanity. I lay in bed at night weeping silent tears until my pillow is saturated. I cry because I can't scream. I can't give into the selfish desire to scream at all of them. To stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. To say all the things to defend my right to not be disrespected and abused. The strong side of me knows this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make my kid bi-polar. I know I didn't push her to do drugs. I know I have done everything in my power to protect her. To provide her with the tools to make better choices. This ...

I am tired of all the shit I hold inside these days. I have to be strong on the outside. I have to suppress so many emotions just to keep the peace. Anger, hurt, pain and loneliness just to name a few. Giving into them would prove disastrous. Who knows if I would emerge on the other side with any resemblance of me left. I fear not being strong enough. I fear one day it is all going to explode and there wont be anything left of my sanity. I lay in bed at night weeping silent tears until my pillow is saturated. I cry because I can't scream. I can't give into the selfish desire to scream at all of them. To stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. To say all the things to defend my right to not be disrespected and abused. The strong side of me knows this isn't my fault. I know I didn't make my kid bi-polar. I know I didn't push her to do drugs. I know I have done everything in my power to protect her. To provide her with the tools to make better choices. This ...